If you’re going through a break-up It may seem impossible to know how to get over the heartbreak you feel when you lose someone who is important to you. When this happens, you go through a grieving process, just as if this person had died.
Anger, denial and depression are normal responses and it’s important to acknowledge these feelings rather than trying to deny or ignore them.
When you’re in the thick of heartache you may want to do almost anything to get away from it – but the only way around heartbreak is through it. While you’re navigating this difficult time, there are some things you can do to make the process a little more comfortable.
‘Let’s Just Be Friends’….REALLY??
After the end of my first marriage, I hid myself away for several years. My self-esteem was at an all-time low and I honestly believed that I would be alone for the rest of my life.
As time went by I slowly came out of my shell and started dating again. I met a man who ticked all the boxes. He was smart, attractive and very interested in getting to know me. I wanted to be in a committed relationship and he told me that he felt the same way.
As time went by he began to give me mixed messages; sometimes he couldn’t get enough of me. Other times he was cool, detached and distant. In my mind I justified his behaviour, telling myself he just needed more time to get used to the idea of being in a relationship.
Then one day out of the blue, he dumped me. He gave me no specific reason, other than the fact that he simply did not love me. In the same breath he insisted that I was a wonderful person and that we should remain friends.
I Finally Woke Up
At that moment, the penny dropped and I was able to see the situation for what it was; I realised that this person had never actually been a true friend to me – in fact he had treated me pretty terribly.
I decided to cease all contact with him and make myself my number one priority. I realized that while I was in the relationship I had no power at all – he was the one calling the shots and I was dancing to his tune. Declining his offer of friendship was my way of taking back my personal power.
I once read a quote that said the person who cares least about the relationship has the most power – and this was very true in my case. If you still have feelings for your ex (or even if you don’t), it’s almost impossible to move on if you are seeing or speaking to them on a regular basis.
You may be able to enjoy a friendship with your ex-partner after some time has passed. But before you can do that, give yourself some time to heal. Take a break from social media, change the subject when mutual friends talk about this person. Do whatever it takes to look after your own best interests.
Acknowledge And Honour Your feelings
You may be tempted to gloss over the devastation and pain of your grief by drinking too much, dating other people or burying your feelings in another way.
It’s okay to cry and feel angry or depressed. It may feel as though these feelings will last forever, but they won’t. Eventually your feelings will soften and you will think less and less about your ex-partner as time goes by.
Distraction and keeping busy are all reasonable options, but don’t deny what is happening inside. My initial response to being dumped was to get straight back out there out and start dating again.
In the end I realized that all I was trying to do was prove to myself and the world that this man hadn’t won – that I was the winner and I was going to bounce back even better than before. My head told me to keep moving forward but my heart was telling me to slow down and take care of myself.
No matter what you do and how long you do it for, your grief will still be there waiting for you when you’re done. Delaying the grieving process will only prolong the pain.
Take Some Time Alone
Jumping straight into another relationship may feel good at the time; but only because by doing this you are glossing over the grief that is bubbling underneath the surface.
If you’re feeling lost, confused or defeated you’re not alone. Pain is inevitable in life, but it’s what you do with that pain that counts. Ask yourself the following questions:
What can you learn from this relationship that will make the next relationship better?
What will you do differently?
From my own experience I was able to really clarify in my mind what I was prepared to accept in a relationship and most importantly, what I was not prepared to accept. This enabled me to make better choices in the future and eventually, to meet and marry the love of my life.
Enjoy your alone time while it lasts, because before you know it you will be ready to step out and connect with the world again.
The Right Relationship Is Just Around The Corner
When I look back at that experience and the impact it had on me, I am now grateful for the lessons I learned. At the time it was devastating but it also helped me to realise that until I learned to respect myself, I wasn’t going to find someone who would truly love me.
No matter how your relationship ended and how painful it was, you will take the learning into the next relationship and make it even better. As you heal and let go of the unwanted baggage, you can use the wisdom and knowledge you have gained to build a happy future with the right person.
Learn how to get over heartbreak the right way by honouring your feelings and giving yourself time to grieve. Do you have any questions or comments? If so go straight to my contact page and get in touch.
What’s the worst breakup you’ve ever been through? How did you cope? Feel free to share your experiences by making a comment below: